Double Minded

When someone makes a comment about how much they admire our faith, I really want to say to them, “You don’t know the half of it, literally.”  You see about half the time, my resolve is strong, my faith is secure, and my determination is steadfast.  The other half of the time, not so much. 

This truly is a journey of faith.  God has done so much, but frankly, we need to see Him do more.  So I find myself playing the “what if…” game.  What if we need to wait longer?  What if we run out of money before we get there?  What if I don’t have the funds to secure a house to rent or start my business?  (Phase 1 of the master plan is to start a window cleaning business.)  What if God doesn’t provide?  What if my Tahoe dies while pulling this heavy trailer all over the country?  What if this really isn’t my dream?  What if this is not God speaking at all?  What if?  What if?  What if?

I mean, I am uprooting my kids (again), taking them away from their friends (again), starting over (again), all because I believe that God put a dream in my heart and has said that now is the time to go.  What if I am wrong?  Then what?  Just today a good friend asked me if I was sure that I did not want to stay and flip just one more house.  How tempting.  It would definitely solidify our finances.  Why not wait?

Well here’s what I know.  Every time I pray for wisdom and direction, the Holy Spirit, our Teacher and Guide, reiterates again, “Go, and I will be with you.  I will provide what you need.” 

When I pick up God’s Word, He shows me the same thing.  Let me give you just one example.  I have been studying the book of Joshua lately.  I have also been reading two books that both referenced a particular event that took place in Joshua.  The children of Israel were getting ready to cross the Jordan River to begin their conquest of the Promised Land.  God promised that He would part the waters of the Jordan for His people to cross, but only after the priests, carrying the ark of the covenant, step into the water. God had provided for them on numerous occasions, had performed countless miracles on their behalf, but now they needed another one.  And God wanted them to exercise their faith before the miracle.  God said to me, “This is how I am going to do it for you. I have provided for you.  I have met your needs, and now I want you to take a leap of faith. Do you trust Me enough to step into the water before you have all the answers?  Before you have all that you need for the journey?”

So when I pray and seek God’s Word, I hear, “Go.”  When I lean on my own understanding, I think maybe I should possibly wait.  The other thing is this, when I set my mind to go, I have peace, a peace that passes understanding.  When I think about waiting, no peace.  So I am still nervous, scared even.  But I choose to trust in the Lord and allow Him to direct my paths.

Author Mark Batterson says that when you step out on faith, it is not your reputation on the line, but God’s.  He is the One who is bound by His promises, and He will come through.  So when I am double minded, my new prayer is simply this:  Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief.